I sat in my room and thought about all the just happened downstairs with Tante Lou and Miss Emma. I had mixed emotions about it all. What was I trying to accomplish? Why was it so important to them that I help Jefferson? He was going to die anyway. Truthfully I was ready to give up. They kept interrogating me about what was going on during my visits with him, why didn't they just go and help him themselves. I sat up and looked through the window and thought deeply. Jefferson really didn't want me to go and see him, so why was I waisting my time. He got the chance to accept me into his life once again and he shut me out. I honestly don't see the point anymore. The last time I went to see him; I didn't see a difference in him at all. And is that my fault? Why are they taking their anger out on me? They act as if I am the one to blame about Jefferson's conviction. I was not with him when he decided to go into that store, I wasn't with him when he made the move of taking the money, and I certainly was not with him when he drank that free whiskey. I was not there! I kept saying this over and over to myself. Trying to find an answer to all this nonsense I continue to glare out the window. Maybe there was an answer beyond me out there that could appear before my eyes. So I waited, waited and waited some more and nothing came.
That night was a very emotional night for me. I wrote a letter to Jefferson trying to let go of the anger within me.
So this is the way it is, I am trying to help you out and you keep shutting me out. Why is that? Why do you continue to waste my time? You understand that Tante Lou and Miss Emma give me grief over your low self-esteem. You should feel grateful that an educated man like myself is giving you the time of day. Instead of spending time with my dear Vivian or setting up my plans for my school house, I am with you waisting precious time. I don't know if you will ever understand the sacrafices that his family has done for you. From taking you in after you were abandoned, dealing with your rough childhood we supported you in your trial and stuck with you. So the least you can do is give us the gift of accepting our good graces. I wish you could see how you are tearing away at our family. I wish you could witness the tears that have been shed in this house over you...you? To be truthful I don't believe you are worth all the pain. If it was up to me I would just let you go and die they way you are. But we are all doing you the favor in trying to boost you up, try to make you respected and not give up. You are not a "hog" that's what we are trying to get past you. You need to realize that we are all doing this, goind through blood, sweat and tears FOR YOU! I want you to know this. I don't plan on trying for much longer to understand that you need to open your eyes and take us in with all your heart. I'll be seeing you.
I wrote this letter out of pure anger and hatred. I hated Jefferson for all he has put me, Nannan and my aunt through. He had no idea how much we have done for him.
This is when I noticed that I wasn't really mad at Nannan or my aunt, I was frustrated at all the hard work I was doing and not getting through to him. He wasn't realizing it at all. I wanted to get my job done, he needs me in his life right now and he has to understand this. I then knew I had to continue my work. Despite all the angry he had brought about in this once peaceful home, I was determined to finish my duty. I was on call to do a job and I will fulfill it and make my family happy. He just needed to get used to my presence because I wasn't going anywhere. I am a fighter. I left the window pane in contentment.