Thursday, March 6, 2008

Smiling From Above

March 1993, I remember it as if it was yesterday. I was sitting at my kitchen table eating breakfast on Saturday morning. My mother in an enthusiastic manner, orders my brother to run and wake daddy to come and eat. Five minutes later he ran in and shouts “Papi’s not waking up!” and that’s when it all began.

I am 17 years old and I’m fatherless. I don’t believe that makes me any different from anyone else; I just have one parent. Some might believe that it’s a disadvantage, but I think it just makes me stronger. I can say I have made it through fourteen years of my life without a father. My father died of a bladder infection when I was quite young. I really don’t remember much about him. Being the youngest of three is difficult because my siblings have memories, and I am extremely jealous of that. I am jealous that they have recollections of things that I would never obtain. They can remember little things such as how he looked, how he smelled and the sound of his voice. I see pictures, home videos, and listen to stories other family members tell me. For some reason that is not enough. I want more; I want to be able to wake up one morning and say “I remember”, and for a long time I struggled with this issue. It was hard for me to admit that I did not have the ability to regain all that I felt I needed. I used to sit in my bedroom and wonder: would I be any different if I could remember those things? This is a question I would never acquire the answer to. Children who have lost a parent are often viewed as depressed, irregular, incomplete, but as for me I want to be different.

The hardest part about growing up without a father is all the events that I have missed out on. The list is endless: father-daughter dances, “bring your daughter to work day”, and Father’s Day cards. When I observe fathers with their daughters I still get that empty feeling. I use this emptiness to my advantage so as to gain independence and confidence. This emptiness urges me to do better, to get involved, voice my opinion and not be afraid to admit that I have come a long way. It took a while for me to speak about this openly; with this I have learned that in order to heal I must accept my loss and use it as my gateway to success. By focusing all my emotions into schoolwork, music, and extracurricular activities I believe I can go the distance. I remember clearly when I stood on stage and sang Shania Twain’s “From This Moment” at my aunts wedding. It was beautiful, flowers everywhere and teary-eyed family members. It was like a dream, then suddenly his face came into my mind and I realized I can remember. He is with me everywhere I go and on stage with me when I perform; music is my therapy.

My mother always tells me that although Papi is not able to be here and witness my accomplishments first hand, he is smiling down upon me. Having the ability to look back on my life and say “Yes I’ve done it, I have made my father happy” has always been a long standing dream of mine. I have the ambition to continue to strive for better. I am a class leader, a great friend and loving daughter. I am blessed to have had the opportunity to be raised in the atmosphere of knowing that I must disregard the things that I am missing in order to aim for higher. I can honestly say, “I am not a quitter, and I will work with all my might to have Papi smile down upon me”.

2 comments:

Michael R. 6 said...

I love your college essay Laurie! LOOK AT MY BLOG!

Laurie's MY name said...

Thanks mike!
This was the hardest paper I ever had to write. I mean I never wrote about this subject. Now that I am older I have learned to speak about it openly. So this was truely a challenge but I enjoyed it and I hope you did too. :)